FFVII Bloopers: What Could've Happened
by MarleneShadowheart
Summary: "Mom?" Zack asked. Aerith, shook her head. "Not quite," she said kiddingly. He continued to guess. "Dad?" he said. Aerth kicked him in the balls so hard he yelped like an injured puppy. "Do I look like a MAN to you!" she growled. Contains every game :D
1. Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII

**A/N: Thank you all for taking the time to read my story! (If you clicked on this link on accident, fate is on your side, my friend!)**

**I think I'll be doing this in chronological order, so…**

**Disclaimers: I don't own Crisis Core...or Ouran High School Host Club. DON'T ASK, JUST READ.**

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><p><span>Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII<span>

_On a train in Midgar…._

In the dark, polluted city of Midgar, everyone was going about their usual business. Well, almost everyone.

At the tracks leading towards Sector 8, a train, hijacked by Wutai troops, flew by so fast that it smashed down a stop signal. The Shinra Electric Company had already dispersed a helicopter to investigate the situation.

"Wutai troops have hijacked Shinra Express MK93 II," the voice spoke on the helicopter radio. "The train is currently headed to Midgar Sector 8. A SOLDIER operative will be inserted to neutralize the situation."

Said SOLDIER operative, Zack Faire, waited impatiently inside the flying vehicle, his eyes closed in concentration.

"We are to proceed as scheduled," continued the speaker. "Commence mission in 3…2…1…mark. Begin mission. Operative is ready for insertion."

Zack rose up from his spot and opened the helicopter door while it hovered over the moving train. He leaned out, examining the terrain, all while listening to his friend giving instructions behind him.

"The train has been overrun by Wutai troops. Eliminate them and regain control of the train," said the man behind him.

Zack turned towards his pal and grinned. "Oh yeah!" he said cockily, gave him a final solute, and jumped down onto the moving train.

"Get serious!" his friend shouted.

Zack landed with surprising grace and smiled once more, only to be interrupted by someone landing on the cart behind him.

"Zack!"

Zack grudgingly turned towards the person behind him, and groaned inwardly as his friend from the helicopter, known as Angeal, approached him. "Zack, focus," he said harshly. "There are no Shinra troops on this train. Understood?"

Zack growled. He didn't need Angeal to babysit him. This was _his_ moment.

Without another word, Zack bumped his two fists together, turned, and began to run across the top of the train, only to be interrupted again by gunshots overhead.

"Whoa!" Zack jumped back as the bullets landed only a few centimeters from his feet. He fell forward, dodging a final bullet that nearly grazed his arm. "Hello to you too!" he shouted sarcastically. Maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he thought.

Nonetheless, Zack raced forward with incredible speed, jumping from cart to cart and dodging every bullet that came for him from up above. Even as large clusters of Wutai soldiers appeared in front of him, blocking his path with their intimidating weapons and menacing glares, Zack only had to swish his sword in order to eliminate them.

As the third round of Wutai troops showed up in his path, Zack couldn't help but grumble to himself. But, glancing up, he noticed a lit tunnel above him, probably a place where more Wutai soldiers were hiding out. Eager at the thought of being able to show off, Zack jumped a few hundred feet into the air (courtesy of Jenova cells) and passed through the tunnel, while winning flabbergasted glances from the hiding Wutai soldiers as he seemed to fly over them in slow-motion.

Zack burst through the other side of the tunnel, sending sheets of metal flying everywhere. He flipped through the air and held his sword above his head, ready to slash through the gears connecting the front car of the train to the rest of the train. "SOLDIER 2nd Class Zack, on the job!" he shouted as he sailed downwards, missed the train by a couple feet, and smashed his face into the pavement.

Angeal, who had been watching from a few carts away, facepalmed at his comrade's failure.

_Somewhere in Midgar…._

Zack grinned at the dead monster in front of him, but froze and rose up his arms in fright as the cold blade of a sword slid dangerously close to his neck. "Showing your back to the enemy…Overconfidence will destroy you," said the mysterious sword-wielder behind him.

Zack sighed, thinking it was Angeal giving him another one of his lectures, but gasped in shock as he turned and saw Sephiroth, _the _legendary SOLDIER operative, standing with his katana ready. "Wh-what is this?" cried Zack, extremely confused.

Sephiroth smirked in response and lunged his sword forward. Zack brought his own sword forward and, using his sharp reflexes, blocked his attack. They slashed at each other with their swords, both blocking each other's attacks, but it was no use; Zack knew how skilled Sephiroth was.

"Damn it," said Zack, blocking another one of Sephiroth's attacks. "You're not the only hero!" It was no secret that Zack too, dreamed of being a hero one day, and he wasn't about to let Sephiroth get in his way.

"It's over," replied Sephiroth coldly. Using some new strength, Sephiroth swung and smashed Zack's sword into a thousand pieces of hot metal, leaving him with only a sharp, metal nub attached to the handle.

Zack fell back, his sword escaping his grasp and flying a few feet away from him. Sephiroth looked down at him and smiled wickedly. He positioned his sword right above Zack's heart, and brought his sword down, only to be blocked by something else.

Zack dared to open his eyes and sighed with relief. Angeal stood above him, parrying Sephiroth's attack with what was left of Zack's sword. He and Sephiroth slowly removed their swords, allowing Zack to sit up straight. "Thanks Angeal," he said gratefully. And he truly was grateful; it almost seemed as if Angeal always came when he needed help.

Angeal averted his eyes towards Sephiroth, and glanced at him disapprovingly. As far as he was concerned, he wasn't supposed to be here. He whipped out his phone and flipped through the menu, finally selecting the "MISSION ABORT?" option.

As if my magic, the environment around them began to fade into tiny fragments of data, swallowing up the buildings and streets, and eventually Sephiroth. It was hard to believe that it was all just a program.

"Training's over," said Angeal as their proper environment returned; a shabby, metal practice room.

Zack sprang up from his place on the floor. "What? Why?" Through his simulation goggles, he saw Angeal point the broken sword towards his face challengingly. "You serious?" he complained, taking off his goggles. "I was just getting warmed up!"

Angeal's expression quickly changed to that of someone joking around. He smiled a little and flipped the sword so that the handle was now facing his opponent.

Zack took the sword and examined it, sighing as he realized that he royally screwed up his training.

"Zack," said Angeal, heading towards the door. Zack turned to face him, confused. "Embrace your dreams."

"Huh?" said Zack, even more bamboozled.

Angeal paused at the room's entrance, his back turned. "If you want to be a hero, you need to have dreams…and honor."

Zack crossed his arms and sniffed. "Are you kidding? I've got tons of honor," he said braggingly.

"Oh really?" said Angeal. He turned and pulled Zack's belt out of his pants pocket with an evil grin on his face.

Before Zack could even react, his baggy blue pants sank down to the floor, revealing his Ouran High School Host Club boxer shorts.

"Gahh!" Zack bent down and attempted to cover himself, but to no avail. "You planned that!" he whined.

Angeal chuckled and slung Zack's belt over his shoulder. "Who has honor now?" he said teasingly, and walked out the door, still laughing at his expense.

_In Banora Village..._

After defeating Bahamut, Zack sauntered over to the Summon Materia that had fallen to the ground in its place. He picked it up, still unable to believe that anybody could use a summon as a weapon.

As the sky turned back to its normal shade of blue, Zack scowled at Genesis. "Summons aren't meant to be used like this!" he cried, shaking his fist at the uncaring ginger. "What happened to dreams and honor?"

Genesis stood with his back to the young SOLDIER operative. "We are..." He hesitated before finishing his sentence, "...monsters." He brought his gloved hand to his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair. Then, without another word, he spread his arm away from his body, causing a large, black angel's wing to sprout from his shoulder blade...and punch Zack in the face.

"Aaagh!" Zack reeled backwards, his hand pressed to his aching face. "I think you just broke my nose!"

Genesis rushed forward, his hands reaching out sympathetically. "Oh my goddess, I am soooo sorry, man!" he said sympathetically.

Suddenly making matters worse, hundreds of bombs then began plummeting from the sky, blowing up trees and houses and making the entire place blow up into flames.

A Shinra helicopter hovered lower towards the ground, and the door opened to reveal Tseng laughing giddily. "Hahahahaha! How do ya like that, Za—ohhhhh..." He bit his thumb nail nervously and surveyed the scene, desperately searching for his partner. "Uhh, Zack? Oh...that can't be good," he murmured to himself.

_On the cannon in Junon..._

Angeal leaned against the back of the Junon cannon and smiled as the warm summer breeze caressed his face. He and Sephiroth, who stood only a few feet away with his own eyes closed in bliss, paused their friendly conversation to listen to Genesis recite from his favorite play, LOVELESS.

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess. We seek it thus, and take to the sky," recited Genesis in his classic poetic tone. "Ripples form on the water's surface. The wandering soul knows no rest."

Sephiroth walked towards them and raised his eyebrows knowingly. "LOVELESS. Act I," he said.

Genesis chuckled and put his book away. "You remembered," he said. He hopped off of his perch and stood next to Angeal.

"How can I not when you've beaten it into my head?" Sephiroth retorted playfully. He knew his friend far too well; he was always reciting from LOVELESS. But the jokes would have to wait; it was time for training. He reached into his belt and unsheathed his sword.

Angeal and Genesis unsheathed their own swords, but they weren't nearly half the length of their companion's. "Don't take Sephiroth lightly," said Angeal.

Genesis swished his sword through the air with his usual feminine flourish. "Hmph, noted..." he agreed, but soon trailed off as the two ran at Sephiroth, commencing battle.

And it was soon discovered that Angeal's words were true: Sephiroth was so good; he barely had to lift a finger in order to deal a fatal blow. He stood in the center of the two, blocking each of their attacks with ease. From far off, you could still hear the sound of their metal swords clashing against each other.

Angeal jumped forward and struck at Sephiroth, but was again blocked easily. "Ha! Is that the best you can do?" Sephiroth challenged smugly.

Angeal frowned, but jumped back next to Genesis once more and half-smiled. "All hail Sephiroth, eh?" he teased, mocking his friend's skills.

However, Genesis took it in a much different direction. "Angeal, stay back," he warned, keeping him away with his arm. "I'll take Sephiroth alone." Now it was his turn to be hero.

"Genesis!" cried Angeal, a look of worry on his face. Nobody has ever challenged Sephiroth and won. What made him think he could?

Genesis stepped forward and ran the palm of his hand across the flat part of his sword, causing it to glow as red as a flame. "The world needs a new hero!" he cried.

Sephiroth just chuckled. He already knew how this was going to end. "Humph. Come and try," he said with mock encouragement.

"So smug...but for how long?" said Genesis slyly. He leaped forward and slashed at Sephiroth, making sparks fly as their swords collided. With Genesis' astounding new power, he was able to create a dent in the cannon's surface as he attacked his opponent from above. Even Sephiroth let out his breathe in frustration and exhaustion at his new friend's skills. It was quite obvious that Genesis wasn't fooling around.

With one upward motion, Sephiroth used his katana to fling Genesis high into the air until he seemed to float a few feet above him. He jumped up higher and higher until he too, seemed to be levitating in the air, far above the other.

Genesis screamed in concentration, his hand balled up into a fist. Suddenly, his hand burst into flames, and fireballs began to shoot out from his palm towards his friend. Sephiroth hit them away as best as he could, but was eventually engulfed in flames. He shot backwards, giving Genesis the opportunity he was waiting for.

Genesis flew forward, his whole arm blazing like a forest fire as he became ready to strike. "THIS. IS. SPARTA!" he screamed, bringing forth thousands of fireballs at once.

Sephiroth turned at the sound of his friend's battle cry, but not fast enough to see one of the raging balls of fire shoot forward...and chop off his luscious locks of silver hair, leaving him with only a thin layer of gray stubble.

Everyone watched in dead silence as his hair gently fell through the sky and landed in the ocean below them, forever lost.

Sephiroth tried to blink back tears. "M-My hair..." he whimpered, dropping his katana in shock.

Genesis, knowing how much how much hair products Sephiroth buys in one week, tried to comfort his friend as a deep feeling of guilt swept over him. "Sephie, I am sooo sorry..."

"My image is ruined!" cried Sephiroth, finally bursting into a pool of pathetic man-tears. He slowly floated back down to the cannon's surface, his arms wrapped around his knees protectively as he rocked back and forth.

Angeal, who was still standing in his spot far below, threw back his head and laughed until he cried.

Thankfully, our favorite hero/villain's hair was able to grow back by the time the events of Final Fantasy VII occurred.

_At the Church in Midgar…._

"Hell-llooo!"

Zack searched through the darkness, trying to find the source of the voice. "Mom?" he said. She sounded sweet, like his mother.

Suddenly, the darkness cleared and a pretty young woman stood before him, her emerald green eyes sparkling. "Hell-llooo!" she called again, bringing him back to the now. As she saw him open his eyes, she grinned. "Hooray!" she cried.

Zack tried again. "Mom?" he asked, pretty certain in his state that his mom was standing before him.

The girl, Aerith, shook her head. He was so cute. "Not quite," she said kiddingly.

Zack scrunched his eyes together. Not mom? He continued to guess. "Dad?" he said, hoping he was correct this time.

Aerith kicked him in the balls so hard he yelped like an injured puppy. "Awww!" Zack groaned, holding his privates tightly. "What was that for?"

Aerith glared at him and placed her hands on her hips defiantly. "Do I look like a MAN to you?" she growled.

Zack found it best not to answer that question.

_The Nibelheim Incident…._

Zack ran into the Mako Reactor, his mind and heart racing as he struggled to grasp the monstrosities that Sephiroth, a fellow SOLDIER operative and companion, had done to the town. He rushed inside and looked around. Before him were steps leading up to a blocked-off room, presumably where Sephiroth resided. Lined up along the stairs were pods filled with monsters only seen in nightmares, soaking in Mako energy. At the bottom of the stairs lay Tifa, hunched over and shaking.

Zack crouched down next to her, and noticed her serious wound. "Sephiroth did this, didn't he?" he said, a sense of urgency in his voice. He wouldn't be surprised if he was right.

When she didn't answer, Zack reached out his hand to comfort her, to tell her that everything was going to be okay, but she turned away from him, refusing his kindness.

Zack shook his head. Everything was happening so fast, and he still didn't know what was going on.

He turned and ran up the stairs, but not before hearing Tifa's speak her last words to him. "I hate you! I hate Shinra, I hate SOLDIER! I hate you all!" she screamed, tears streaming from her eyes.

Knowing his comfort would be unwanted; Zack just closed his eyes in a silent apology, and continued his ascent up the stairs. "Aaargh!" he screamed, smashing through the door with his Buster Sword. Breathing heavy as the smoke cleared, Zack tried to act as quiet as possible when he walked into the room, but none of it mattered when he caught a glimpse of Sephiroth…or, the psycho he had become.

"Mother, let's take back the planet together," whispered Sephiroth. "I…I had an epiphany. Let's go to the promised land…Mother." He stood in front of something that resembled a fire hydrant, with knobs and a tube that looked like a hose and…wait a second…

Zack spoke up. "Uh, Sephiroth, that's not—"

Before Zack could finish, Sephiroth reached down, and yanked the top plate off of the hydrant with all of his strength, causing water to spew right into his face.

He choked and stuttered, trying to cover the top with his hands but the water pressure was too much. By the time he had finally screwed the lid back on, his hair and clothes were soaked.

Zack giggled. "Wowwwww…" he joked, raising one eyebrow. "You're a real momma's boy, you know that…"

"Shut up," snapped Sephiroth sourly. He wiped his hand across his eyes, causing his mascara (what, you didn't know?) to bleed all over his face, and spotted the real Jenova curled up in a tube at the other side of the room. "Oh…" he mumbled.

_After the Final Battle Inside a Cave-Thing..._

Zack dealt his final blow upon Genesis, forcing the sword out of his opponent's hand and making him sail backwards. But just as everything was turning black, a mysterious thing happened.

Genesis opened his eyes and found himself standing among the glowing currents of the Lifestream. He even noticed, with surprise, that his body was no longer degrading. Ahead of him, a statue of a woman, a goddess as he liked to call her, glowed as neon as the waters he was standing in.

Suddenly, in a bright flash of light the statue changed into a beautiful woman. Her hair shined like gold, and her gorgeous dress of silky material fluttered around her in a forgotten breeze. Shining like the sun, she did not smile but instead gave off a kind but regal disposition, as if her position was above all.

Genesis stepped forth and reached out his arms to her. His chest no longer ached; in fact, it felt lighter than it ever had in his entire life. He had found his goddess. He would be forever happy.

The goddess almost seemed to smile as she too reached out her own arms to welcome him. As soon as he was within her grasp, she almost seemed to lean forward, but quickly pulled her hands away at the last moment, making him fall down, down, down into oblivion.

She cackled mischievously. "Psych!" she cried, laughing her head off at his expense.

Goddesses can be really mean sometimes.

_In the Middle of the Desert..._

Thousands of Shinra soldiers sat waiting for their target, their guns aimed and ready to fire. Even helicopters covered the scene, making sure that whatever happened, they got their enemy once and for all.

The enemy, Zack, sauntered over and planted his feet in front of them challengingly, his eyes confident in his victory. He put his hands on his hips. "Boy oh boy," he muttered to himself, shaking his head in mock worry. "The price of freedom is steep." He smiled and reached behind his back slowly, taking his Buster Sword out of its place. Instead of going into battle position though, he pointed the tip of his sword towards the sky and kept his head down, only a few inches away from the flat side of the blade. That's how Angeal would have done it.

He recited his friend's words in his head, and repeated them out loud. "Embrace your dreams," he said. "And, whatever happens, protect your honor...as SOLDIER!" He sprang forward and ran at the troops, his heart pounding in his chest. "Come and get it!" he screamed, except he tripped on his untied shoelace and fell flat on his face.

The soldiers snickered as he stumbled back up and spit pebble after pebble out of his mouth.

Moral of the bloop: always keep your shoelaces TIED.

_A Few Miles Outside of Midgar..._

Zack Faire lay on the edge of a desert cliff right outside of Midgar, his final breaths short and rough. The pouring rain falling from the colorless sky soaked the ground, making the blood from his head and chest flow out like a river. His uniform was torn, ripped by the bullets that pierced his body.

He was dying.

Cloud, who had just woken up from his never-ending coma, dragged himself through the mud and blood towards him on his hands. He stopped beside his friend and managed to sit up, his vision still blurry from Mako poisoning. "Zack," he whispered, staring at his dying companion. Even through his haze and confusion, he still felt his presence slowly leaving.

Zack took a shaky breath and smiled at Cloud. He was hoping he would come, even if it was too late. "For the...both of us..." he said, practically choking on his own words.

Cloud didn't know what to say. He had only known Zack for weeks and yet he had risked his own life for his. "Both of us?" he said, for it was the only thing he could say in his sorry state of mind and being.

"That's right..." said Zack, "you're gonna..." He choked once more, unable to finish his sentence.

Cloud leaned forward, trying to hear what his friend was trying to tell him. "You're gonna..." he copied his words, hoping to somehow find the end of the sentence in his own mind.

Zack used what was left of his strength to reach his hand upwards and place it behind Cloud's head. "Live," he breathed, finally finishing his sentence. He pulled Cloud's head forward and brought it to his blood-soaked chest.

Unfortunately for Cloud, Zack wasn't assigned 1st Class for nuthin'; his muscular arms were so firm and strong that they made it hard for Cloud to breathe with his face being smothered. "Zack," he mumbled against his chest, trying to pull his head back up. "Zack..."

Zack continued on like he didn't hear him. "You'll be...my living legacy..."

Cloud tried to push himself back up using his hands, but that didn't work either. "Zack, Zack I-I can't breathe..."

Zack smiled. "I know...this is...a big responsibility..."

"You're suffocating me..."

"Wha...? Oh..." Zack finally released his grip on the young blonde.

"Hee-huh, hee-huh, hee-huh..." Cloud sprang up and took in large gulps of air while rubbing his sore throat.

It was clear that he really needed to start working out.

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><p><strong>Thumbs up to all who got my Ouran reference!<strong>

**Thank you for taking the time to read this! Please R&R, and don't forget to check out my other chapters!**


	2. Final Fantasy VII

**This is probably, by far, the hardest videogame parody I have ever written. It may have taken me a loooooong time to find all the cutscenes I want, but at least it's done!**

**Disclaimers: DO I LOOK LIKE I OWN Final Fantasy VII, or Square Enix/Squaresoft?**

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><p><span>Final Fantasy VII<span>

_At the Sector Five Reactor in Midgar…._

"…You are beginning to bore me," said the President, pretending to yawn. "I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me…I have a dinner I must attend."

"Dinner? Don't gimme that! I ain't even started wit' you yet!" shouted Barret.

The President pretended to pout, but didn't do a very good job considering he barely had any emotions. "But, I've made arrangements for a playmate for you all," he said. He snapped his fingers professionally, and a large robotic vacuum cleaner-like machine rolled its way up next to them. "Meet 'Airbuster', a techno-soldier. Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the date he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments."

Cloud gulped. "…Techno-soldier?" he asked warily.

A helicopter suddenly hovered up next to them, and stopped next to the President. "Now then, if you'll excuse me," he said politely. He quickly got up into the flying vehicle.  
>"Wait, President!" shouted Cloud, running after him. But the man was already gone.<p>

"Yo, Cloud!" shouted Barret, keeping his eyes on the robot. "We've gotta do somethin' 'bout him!" Airbuster slowly approached him and Tifa, its blades whirling dangerously close.

"Help, Cloud," Tifa screamed as the machine creeped closer and closer. As Cloud ran at it from the other side, Tifa couldn't help but blurt, "THIS is from SOLDIER?"

"No way! It's just a machine!" said Cloud, who was familiar with SOLDIER technology.

"I don't care what it is! I'm gonna bust him up!" shouted Barret, waving his weapon high in the air.

In a few slashes, shots and punches the machine was defeated, but not before blowing up in a column of blue fire, causing the floor beneath them to break. Tifa and Barret were able to remain stationed on solid ground, but Cloud however…

Tifa rushed over to the edge where Cloud was clinging on for dear life. "It's gonna blow! Let's go Tifa!" shouted Barret, trying to usher her forward.

Tifa wouldn't budge. "Barret! Can't you do something?" she cried helplessly.

Barret shook his head. "Not a damn thing," he said. This was, surprisingly, the calmest he had ever been since they had entered the reactor.

Tifa averted her attention back to Cloud. "Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!" she shouted down to her love—Cloud, I meant Cloud.

Cloud's eyes brightened with curiosity as he hung there. "Really? Like what?" he asked.

Tifa blushed and looked down at her feet. "Well, for one thing, your fly's undone," she said matter-of-factly.

Cloud freaked out. "Ohmygosh, really?" he cried. He squirmed downward to try to zip up his pants, but unfortunately used both his hands in doing so, therefore falling down into the reactor with a manly scream of terror.

"Cloud!" shouted Tifa, her eyes filled with tears at the notion of losing him forever. She turned and nestled her head into Barret's chest, who sat next to her, a dumbfounded expression on his face.

"How stupid is that guy?" he asked bluntly. Tifa punched him in the arm for saying that, making it swell up like a bright red balloon.

_A Church in the Slums…._

Aerith sighed sadly as she tended to her usual patch of flowers in the Sector Five church. The yellow flowers always seemed to grow more radiantly and more beautifully whenever she was around, but today she didn't really feel like planting flowers.

She glanced up at the hole in the ceiling where, only five years ago, he fell down from the sky and nearly gave her an aneurism. His sleek black hair, eyes glowing blue with Mako…

She put her hands together in a sort of silent prayer and gazed up with her big green eyes. "Please, someone," she said uncertainly, not knowing who to talk to considering she wasn't very religious. "Give me something—anything—to help me forget about him, something to make me laugh again…"

CRASH!

Aerith screamed in fright and whirled around just in time to see ANOTHER SOLDIER come crashing through her ceiling and landing unconscious into the flowerbed below.

Cloud moaned at the momentum of his fall and rubbed his pounding head. With one final groan he fell back again, his blond head lolling back into a deep sleep.

Aerith stared at him with her mouth wide open, and then quickly snapped out of it. "Thank you!" she cried, holding her hands out to her godly giver once more, and then running off to help the young SOLDIER recruit.

_The Science Department Inside the Shinra Building…._

Cloud, Barret, and Tifa burst through the elevator doors to find Aerith locked inside what appeared to be a glass tubular prison. An ugly-looking old guy with a black ponytail and a long white lab coat stood watching her from the outside. "Aerith!" Cloud cried.

"Aerith?" repeated Hojo, the scientist who was examining her closely like a Peeping Tom. "Oh, is that her name? What do you want?" Although he didn't seem the least bit interested in what he was asking of them.

"We're taking Aerith back," Cloud stated confidently.

Hojo had finally taken some of his attention away from his "experiment" and noticed that these people did not work for Shinra. "Outsiders…" he muttered.

Barret was already all worked up. "Shoulda noticed it earlier, you…" He (luckily) didn't finish his sentence.

Hojo merely shrugged. "There are so many frivolous things in this world," he replied. His high scientific vocabulary almost seemed to make everyone else seem comparatively stupid. Without another word, Cloud and Barret rushed forward with their weapons, but were stopped short. "Are you going to kill me? I don't think you should," said Hojo, surprisingly calm despite his life being on the line. "The equipment here is extremely delicate. Without me, who would operate it? Hmm?"

Cloud growled, realizing the truth in this man's words.

Hojo laughed softly, but evilly. "That's right," he chuckled. "I recommend you think things out logically before you make any rash moves." Hojo turned to his lab assistant, who is so unimportant to the story's plot that he doesn't even have a name. "Now, bring in the Specimen!" he ordered.

A button was pressed, and suddenly a part of the floor beneath Aerith fell then rose as a red wolf-like creature was brought into the cell. For all she knew, he probably had rabies, with all his growling and snarling.

Cloud and the others pressed themselves against the glass as Aerith called out for help. "Cloud, help!" she screamed, her eyes pleading with him.

Cloud sneered at the professor. "What do you think you're doin'?" he asked.

"Lending a helping hand to an endangered species…Both of them are on the brink of extinction…If I don't help, all these animals will disappear." His serious tone and suggestive trailing-off gave Cloud and the others a pretty good picture of what he meant. Everyone, except Aerith.

Her panic was replaced with pure confusion. She cocked her head to the side. "Wait, I don't get it," she said plainly.

The whole rest of the group went silent as they tried to figure out a way to explain it better. Cloud cleared his throat. "You know…two endangered species…he's gonna help 'create' more of your kind…get the picture?"

Aerith looked up at the ceiling in deep thought and pondered this. "But, how?" she asked in all her density.

Hojo sighed. "Young lady has anyone ever given you a talk about 'the birds and the bees'?" he asked, hinting.

Aerith's eyes went wide as she suddenly began to freak out. "Birds? Bees? Where?" she screamed, swatting frantically at the air around her.

The whole group hung their heads in sadness as they came to full realization that she really didn't get it.

_At the Shinra Building…._

Aerith, Barret, and Red XIII ran into the front lobby of the Shinra Building, making their escape.

"I'll go on ahead!" shouted Barret. He ran through the front doors of the building and into the outside, where the others could hear gunshots ring out. Barret ran back inside, breathing hard. "#&^%(*…surrounded, huh?" he muttered. "If I was alone this wouldn't be a thang but, I gotta reputation to protect."

Aerith shook her head bravely. "You all get out while you can," she said. "It's not you they're after…it's me."

"Yeah, well that ain't happenin'," replied Barret. "You got caught up in this over Marlene. Now, it's my turn to watch out for you!" With that, he turned his attention back to the troops waiting outside. "Okay, playtime's over for you jackasses…" he challenged…challengingly.

Aerith nodded her head in a slight bow of respect. "…thank you, Mr. Barret," she said gratefully.

Barret turned and frowned. "Who you callin' Mr. Barret? That don't sound right!"

"Well then…If you're through talking, may I suggest that we think of a way to get out of here," stated Red XIII, a look of disapproval on his face.

"Huh? Oh, oh yeah…" said Barret, almost completely forgetting that Red XIII was even there at all. "You a cold man. Just like someone else 'round here I know."

Red XIII raised his eyebrows, as if he was the dominant species in the room. "Did you say something?" he said, pretending not to hear what he just said.

"Notta thing," Barret replied simply. "So what're we gonna do?"

As if on cue, Tifa came racing down the stairs with a frantic look on her face. "Barret!" she cried, meeting up with them at the bottom of the staircase.

"Tifa! Where's Cloud?" asked Barret, getting right down to business.

Tifa decided not to answer, and instead ran over to the opposite side of the room, beckoning for them to follow her. "Everyone, over here!" she shouted.

Barret would have protested more, but he knew Tifa far too well to complain. "Huh? What's up? Where's Cloud?" he asked, staying right where he was.

Tifa rolled her eyes and groaned at their slowness. "I'll tell you later! Hurry, hurry!"

The group rushed over to Tifa and followed her past the main staircase, just as Cloud came zooming down on a motorcycle all bad-boy like. (Don't try this at home!)

He rode through the front lobby and met up with Tifa and the others as they climbed inside a pickup truck on display. Together, the group rode off together, whizzing past sharp corners and bursting through rooms.

Cloud saw a glass window leading to the road outside and smiled. There was no turning back now. Revving up his engine, he and the truck behind him sped up waaaay past the average speed limit and charged at the glass window…only to be hurled backwards with surprising force as they smashed against the strong glass.

Everyone groaned as they lay across the floor with a series of head injuries, bruises, sprains, and breaks.

"Ugh…mut muz that for?" Cloud groaned, rubbing his aching head.

So, for all the children out in the audience, I think the moral of the story is to always wear a helmet, especially when attempting to break through Mako-infused windows.

_During the Flashback of the Nibelheim Incident, More Specifically in the Shinra Mansion…._

Cloud knocked on the door and, getting no response, walked into the Mansion's library. Sephiroth, his fellow SOLDIER companion, had shut himself in there for days without response, so it was his turn to find out what was going on and to take action. "Sephiroth?" he called, looking around. "Sephiroth, you in here?" He found Sephiroth pacing back and forth near the back bookshelves, his face buried so deep in a book that his nose brushed the pages. "Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth didn't respond. "Time passes…Even when it seems impossible…Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise…It passes unevenly in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does…Even for me…" he mumbled to himself, his finger scanning over each line of the book as he read it.

"Huh?" Cloud inched forward and placed a hand on Sephiroth's shoulder, still not getting a response. "Sephiroth…"

The terrifying man with silver hair and god-like strength screamed like a woman and flung the book halfway across the room, but not before Cloud was able to catch a glimpse of the front cover.

He snickered. "Twilight?" he asked with a smirk, his eyebrows rose at the thought of Sephiroth reading a Teen Paranormal Romance novel.

Sephiroth cleared his throat, but his voice still cracked awkwardly as he replied. "N-No, I was…uh…looking through Professor Gast's studies! Yes, that is what I was doing!" He picked up his book once more, and pretended to brush it off while still concealing the front cover from his partner. "Good ol' Professor Gast," he said nervously, patting the book.

Cloud threw back his head and laughed as he walked out of the room, leaving Sephiroth to his "research". From that day forth, he would never look at that man the same way ever again. Pfft, and you thought it was because of the "Nibelheim Incident"…

_In Cosmo Canyon…._

Cloud came up the long, winding staircases and ladders until he met up with Red XIII, who had another guest waiting for them.

"Cloud," said Red XIII, as if preparing for a formal introduction. He motioned towards the person next to him, an old man with a long white beard floating a few inches off of the ground in the lotus position, "this is my grandfather, Bugenhagen. He is incredible. He knows everything." He smiled his usual toothy grin, only this time there was a sense of pride included.

The old man looked Cloud up and down with narrow eyes, then finally whisked a staff out of the air by magic and shook it at the young man. "You shall not pass!" he screamed, glaring at him.

Cloud stood there silently for a moment, a look of complete and utter confusion on his face. Red XIII leaned over and beckoned him down to his level. "I think he likes you," he whispered in his ear enthusiastically.

Bugenhagen stuck a pipe in his mouth and blew out an unusually shaped puff of smoke, continuing to glare.

_Back at the Science Department Inside the Shinra Building..._

"...thus, that is how a child is born," concluded Hojo elegantly. Barret and Cloud lay on the floor in agony, their minds melting from having to endure "the talk" for the second time in their lives.

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Oh, be mature, guys," she hissed at the two of them.

"_You_ be mature," retorted Barret weakly. Cloud was too busy rolling in a feeble position to make a bad comeback.

Aerith stood inside the tube for a few moments, not saying anything at all. "But hold on," she said, pointing a finger at the scientist. "How does that relate to this?"

They all groaned. "How stupid is she?" screamed Hojo.

_Somewhere in the Forgotten City…._

Cloud and the others stopped in front of a silver pedestal which sprouted from the water below, with steps leading up to it and a fancy staircase as well. It was clear that the Ancients had had something to do with it long ago, for no one could mistake the power of the Lifestream which shone down on the top. Cloud squinted his eyes and looked into the light, realizing to his horror that Aerith was in there. "Aerith?" he said, reaching out his hand. He motioned his companions back, for he knew he had to go up there alone.

Aerith sat on her knees with her hands folded together in a prayer, her eyes closed. Sunlight came down on her from above, giving her an angel-like glow. Nobody knew what she was doing, or how she got there, but Cloud knew he had to get her out of harm's way fast.

However, as soon as he was a few feet away from her, he felt that same sensations, the feeling of being taken over, wash over him once more. He lost control, and suddenly took his sword out of its sheath and approached Aerith slowly but confidently.

Once towering over her, he put both hands on the handle of the weapon, raised it over his head, and was just about to finish her off when…

"Cloud! Stop!" his friends shouted from below.

Cloud suddenly realized what he was doing and stepped back, shaking his head. But that wasn't the only part of him that was shaking; his whole body trembled with a sense of fear, the fear that he couldn't even control himself. "Ugh…what're you making me do?" he asked his possessor.

Aerith slowly opened her eyes and looked at Cloud, a blank expression on her face. She then looked up at the heavens with her huge, pleading eyes.

Suddenly, Sephiroth flew down from a mysterious light and came sailing downwards, his katana poised and ready for the horrors he was about to commit.

However, it was springtime, and her allergies were acting up so bad that Aerith couldn't help but feel her nose getting increasingly itchy. "At-choo!" she sneezed, falling forward and tumbling into Cloud's arms.

Sephiroth didn't see this coming beforehand and unfortunately came down and stuck his katana deep through the metal floor.

"Eh?" he grumbled, pulling at the handle. When the sword refused to budge from its spot, Sephiroth's shoulder's fell and his hair came down in his face as he sighed. "Aw, crap," he muttered, realizing that his sword was very stuck.

_At the Northern Cave…._

Red XIII, Barret, Cait Sith, Yuffie Kisaragi, Cid, and Vincent Valentine all stood waiting for Cloud and Tifa to return from their battle against Sephiroth. Red XIII gripped the Black Materia tightly in his mouth, for he knew how much everyone's life depended on it. "I wonder how Cloud and the others are…" he said thoughtfully. "It's hard to believe…such a small piece of materia is able to destroy the planet…"

Suddenly, the world around him changed to a darkish green, and all of his companions disappeared. "What the?" cried Red XIII. He looked around. "Is everyone alright? What's going on? Where am I? Don't leave me alone!"

Out of the darkness, Tifa came running towards him. "Red XIII, you're here! I'm so glad!" she said, smiling wide with relief.

Their surroundings quickly changed back to normal, except they were still alone. "Tifa!" cried Red XIII. He ran up to her. "Something is strange…why was it dark all of a sudden and where is everybody?"

"Everyone's waiting! Cloud's in trouble!" Tifa exclaimed, her eyes full of worry. "Please, come, help us! Over there!" She pointed off towards the distance.

"R-Right!" replied Red XIII, still feeling that something was wrong. But he knew he could trust Tifa, so he ran off in the direction she told him to. "I'm not sure I understand…but I'll go if you want me to!"

Once he was out of sight, Tifa chuckled to herself in a creepy way. "And remember…the Black Materia!" She suddenly transformed into her true form, Sephiroth. He had been tricking Red XIII the whole time.

Barret and the others suddenly reappeared once more and shook themselves off. "Tifa, it was the weirdest thing, we…HOLY #%&! SEPHIROTH?" screamed Barret, jumping fifty feet in the air.

Everyone else clawed at their eyes, moaning at what they just saw. "She was a…GUY?" groaned Cid, pressing his face against the ground. Vincent was seriously considering crawling back into his coffin for the sin of being turned on by Sephiroth.

Yuffie didn't seem as surprised as the others. "Ha! I knew those weren't real! Pay up!" she shouted at Cait Sith.

Cait Sith grumbled, but eventually handed over 500 gil to the young ninja.

_Right Above Midgar…._

"We've reached Midgar!" said one of the pilots.

Barret shook his head. "Even if we get there, Midgar's under martial law!" he said. "There'll be no way we could slip into the slums."

Tifa agreed. "Looks like all transportation from the slums is cut off…"

"Hey, hey, whaddya think we have the Highwind for?" exclaimed Cid. "Where are we now?"

Barret looked around, confused. "Huh? Where are we…?"

"If land's no go…We'll go by air!" Cid exclaimed, wild excitement in his eyes. Everyone cheered at this idea.

"Okay then," said Cloud. "We'll parachute into Midgar!" With another cheer, everyone jumped into line-formation and bolted towards the outside of the ship. Other members of the crew stood on the sidelines and took their hats off in respect for the heroic risk they were about to take to save the planet. They were truly heroes.

As the front of the line reached the outside of the ship where they were supposed to jump, Cloud skidded to a sudden halt at the edge. "Whew," he breathed, wiping sweat off his brow. "I almost forgot the parachutes! I'll go..."

CRASH!

Cait Sith, Red XIII, Barret, Cid, Tifa, and Vincent all slammed into Cloud's backside at once, breaking the railing and sending them all over the edge of the ship with a series of loud screams of terror.

Yuffie ran out onto the deck of the ship and proudly held a set of backpacks over her head. "Hey guys, I brought the para...oh snap..."

_Outside the Highwind in the Middle of Nowhere..._

Tifa and Cloud stood outside the Highwind in the middle of a grassy field, overlooking the sunset before them. Everyone else had gone off to find their reason to fight, and now it was just the two of them. "Everyone's gone..." said Tifa.

"Yeah, we don't have anywhere or anyone to go home to," said Cloud, putting a damper on things.

Tifa nodded sadly. "You're right," she whispered. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "But...I'm sure someday...they'll come back, don't you think?"

Cloud closed his eyes in thought. "Hmm...I wonder...?" he mumbled. He shook his head as he considered it. "Everyone has an irreplaceable something they're holding on to...But this time, our opponent..."

Tifa nodded. "Hmm...But that's alright," she explained. "Even if no one comes back, as long as I'm with you...As long as you're by my side...I won't give up even if I'm scared!"

Vincent suddenly came out from behind a rock and jumped at Tifa. "Boo!" he cried, making the scariest face he could possibly make.

Tifa shrieked and bolted in the opposite direction, completely running past Cloud without looking back.

Vincent chuckled and swished his cloak dramatically. "Who's scared now?" he giggled.

_At the Bottom of the Northern Cave..._

Cloud struck Sephiroth with his sword one last time, defeating the man who had caused the Planet so much pain and suffering. Sephiroth looked shocked as blood trickled down his face and light exploded from his chest, finally ending with him bursting into a flurry of pink sparkles.

Cloud stood alone in the darkness as he watched his tormentor disappear. Around him, threads of green light began to swirl around his body. "...Lifestream?" muttered Cloud, confused.

Suddenly, the Lifestream mixed together with some of Sephiroth's remaining sparkles to form a powerful beam of light that shone down on him. A hand reached out towards him, and he could recognize that hand anywhere. Aerith, he thought, although he didn't say it out loud for fear that it was all just a dream.

He reached out his own hand to take hers, but was shocked when the haze finally cleared and he realized where he really was. He was standing on a small piece of earth that was crumbling fast, as was the rest of his environment. The hand, of which he was so certain was Aerith's, was actually Tifa trying to pull him up onto a ledge.

Time moved fast as the rock supporting his weight finally broke in half, and he struggled to jump to somewhere safe. The ledge above him broke, and Tifa screamed as she fell to her death. Cloud jumped to catch her, and was able to grip onto the edge of a higher, sturdier cliff. They both breathed sighs of relief. "...I think I'm beginning to understand," said Cloud, pulling him and Tifa up.

"What?" asked Tifa, gripping onto his arm.

"An answer from the Planet..." he said, "the Promised Land...I think I can meet her...there."

Tifa's head shot up at the sound of the word "her". Her eyes filled with tears and she smiled, burying her face in his chest. "Yes, let's go meet her," she whispered.

The two finally managed to get up onto the cliff and sit safely together. The Lifestream glowed down below them, giving off its radiant glow.

Cloud smiled, but stopped short as he realized something. "Hey, where is everyone?" he asked Tifa.

"Heeeeeey!"

They turned and saw Barret and the others waving to them from another safe ledge. Tifa waved back. "I'm glad you're all safe!" she shouted. "They all seem to be safe, too," she added to Cloud.

Barret turned to Cid. "But...now what're we going to do?" he asked.

"Holy should be moving soon," observed Red XIII, "and that means this place will..." He trailed off, letting everyone else slowly realize what he meant.

Cid looked up worriedly. "Oh, Lady Luck don't fail me now..." he prayed. The ceiling of rock above them began to shake violently, making the cigar fall out of Cid's open mouth.

Everyone's eyes filled with worry, and they all ran and ducked for cover as the ceiling above them collapsed, allowing the Highwind to sail down and crash down into the Lifestream below.

Thankfully, the airship lay unharmed, but as the dust cleared...

"What is that?" cried Yuffie, pointing to the now-visible bumper sticker on the right side of the ship's hull. It represented a picture of a chesty red-head wearing high heels and a little less than a black string-bikini.

Cid cleared his throat nervously. "Well, you know...you see...that's not really my sticker...it belongs to a friend of mine..."

Tifa gasped in disgust and marched over, slapping the old man across the face HARD. Somewhere in the Lifestream, Aerith felt the weirdest urge to reel back in disgust.

_Back at the Science Department Inside the Shinra Building..._

Tifa bent down beside Aerith and pressed her hand up against the glass. "Remember after we first met, we were trapped inside the Midgar Sewer System?"

Aerith's eyes went wide as she remembered. "Oh yeah!"

Tifa nodded. "Do you remember those two squirrels we saw that were playing tag?" she asked slowly.

Aerith snapped her fingers in understanding. "I remember those squirrels! But whenever we tried to point them out to Cloud, he always blushed and looked away. Right, Cloud?"

Cloud blushed again. "Uh, yeah," he muttered.

"Exactly!" said Tifa, putting her hands together. "Well, that's kind of what Hojo wants you to do with...that dog-thing over there."

Aerith scrunched up her nose. "...He wants us to play tag?"

The dog, which had just woken from a long nap, raised his head groggily. "No, he wants us to hook up," he stated.

Aerith screamed. "A talking dog!" she cried, peeling off her shoe and hitting him with it.

"Ow! Ow! That's—ow! I find that term—ow! Ouch! Ow! Very—ow! Offensive—ow!"

Hojo, Barret, Cloud, and Tifa all rolled their eyes as they gave up on the whole endeavor.

* * *

><p><strong>Tifa, maybe you should try using Don Corneo as a better example, hmm?<strong>

**Reno: Hey, why didn't you put us in your bloopers?**

**Me: Because you guys are the comic relief! It wouldn't make sense to counter funny-avec-funny!**

**Rude: ...She's got a point.**

**Yeah, I'll probably put those two in the next chapter...maybe. Thanks for reading, you people are amazing! (Well, we haven't really met face-to-face, so I wouldn't exactly call you amazing, but...)**

**Please review and tell me what you think, or submit your own ideas of what you personally would have done! I'd love to hear it! **


	3. Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

**A/N: I've decided to lay this one out a bit differently, considering I've never done a movie before. *woot woot* …yeah, that was unnecessary…**

**Disclaimers: I don't own AC, but I soooo wish I did! :3**

* * *

><p><span>Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children<span>

_The Introduction…._

"The Lifestream; that's what we call the river of life that circles our Planet, giving life to the world and everything in it. The Shinra Electric Power Company discovered a way to use the Lifestream as an energy source. Because of Shinra's energy, we were able to live very comfortable lives. But isn't that because we were taking away the Planet's life? A lot of people thought so. Shinra used their power to try to stop anybody who got in their way. Shinra had a special group of warriors called SOLDIER, and all of the SOLDIERs had Jenova cells put inside them. Jenova was a calamity that fell from the sky a long, long time ago, and tried to destroy the planet. Anyway, there was one SOLDIER called Sephiroth, who was…"

"What ARE you doing?"

Marlene whirled around and found Barret and the others standing in the doorway of her private recording studio in Tokyo, Japan. "What is this place? And who are they?" demanded Barret, glancing around the studio and nodding towards the small choir in the corner of the room.

Marlene let out an exasperated sigh and turned off her microphone. "I'm recording the introduction for the movie we did," she said, raising an eyebrow.

"Movie? What movie, sweetie?" asked Tifa, a nervous tone in her voice.

Marlene rolled her eyes and reached into her back pocket, producing a yet-to-be-released copy of _Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children_. "The movie we just did," she retorted freshly.

Cloud grabbed the copy from her tiny hands and read over the back description. "Hey, this sounds like…" he trailed off as the horror seeped in. "Wait, are you saying that we were being watched the _entire time_ we were battling Kadaj and the gang?"

Marlene slowly nodded in response and pointed at a tiny camera hanging from the ceiling. "And you still are," she said slyly.

"Damn…" muttered Cid. "But, what about the times where we messed up, or made complete and utter fools of ourselves?"

Marlene smiled, brought out a remote control, and pressed a few buttons, causing a flat screen TV to come down from the ceiling. As if on cue, their movie began to play all of the most embarrassing moments throughout.

_Inside Seventh Heaven…._

Tifa was busy washing dishes behind the counter inside Seventh Heaven when the phone began to ring. Knowing that it wasn't her job to answer the phone, Tifa continued with her work as if she couldn't hear it ring.

_Riiing! Riiing! Riiing!_

Tifa sighed. "He's not here anymore," she said to no one in particular. When still no one answered the phone, she turned off the water, wiped her hands on a dishtowel, and took her time walking up the stairs to the phone.

"Cloud, where are you?" whispered Denzel, who was lying in bed in the room opposite, with Marlene tending to his illness.

Tifa groaned inwardly at the sight of Cloud's empty bedroom. He was out again. She then proceeded with answering the telephone herself. "Hello, Strife Delivery Service!" she chirped into the phone. "You name it, we deliver—"

_Tifa, where's Cloud? It's an emergency._

Tifa scrunched her eyebrows in confusion at the sound of the caller's voice. He didn't say who he was, and yet he sounded familiar. "May I ask whose calling?"

_Tifa, it's me, Re—_

"No, no, wait!" interrupted Tifa. "Let me guess! Is this…Barret? No wait, what am I saying? Barret has a much deeper voice…"

_Look, can we cut the chatter? It's me, Re—_

"Maybe…Rude? No, he barely ever says anything…Wait, I've got it! You're…Yuffie! Ha! I knew it! I can recognize your feminine tone anywhere!"

_I-I'm not…wait, what do you mean "feminine tone"? I'm Reno!_

Tifa put her free hand on her hip. "Reno?" she repeated. She thought for a moment. "Nope, I don't know any Renos…"

_Wha…? You don't… but it's me! The hunk with the spiky red hair! Member of the Turks! Helicopter pilot extraordinaire! Ring any bells?_

"Ohh…are you the one that drinks a lot?"

…_Yes._

"Oh! Hey, Reno! How's it been?" resumed Tifa.

_Oh brother…_

* * *

><p>"Hey, how come I'm not in this?" shouted Barret, waving his hand-gun around.<p>

"Be grateful," muttered Tifa, her arms crossed across her chest.

Marlene shushed them both. "You'll make your fabulous entrance later," she whispered.

* * *

><p><em>Out in the Middle of Nowhere….<em>

Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo pulled up on their motorcycles at the exact same place Zack Faire had died. Kadaj, having no respect for the dead, kicked down the Buster Sword laid down in his place so that he could have a better view of the city in front of him.

"Hey Kadaj," said Yazoo, "is that where Big Brother lives?"

"Yeah," whispered Kadaj, his bright green eyes growing brighter with excitement and anticipation.

"Do you think he'll be glad to see us?" Yazoo pressed on, tilting his head to the side in a drunken sort of way.

"Not a chance," Kadaj chuckled.

"Don't cry, Yazoo," Loz retorted meanly. Funny, since he was the crybaby of their somewhat dysfunctional family.

"But Mother's with him," argued Yazoo, his voice whispery like feathers.

"Hmph, maybe not," explained Kadaj, since he knew Big Brother probably wouldn't hand over Mother easily.

Small tears began to trickle down Loz's face. "Don't cry, Loz," comforted Yazoo.

Kadaj turned his head at the sound of a motor and saw Big Brother riding towards the city below them. "Hold on, he's coming," he said, smiling mischievously.

Loz and Yazoo spotted him as well, and returned their older brother's smile. They then revved up their motorcycles and raced down the hill, leaving Kadaj where he stood.

Cloud heard them coming and turned, seeing two strangers come towards him at surprising speed. As if out of nowhere, black demonic monsters sprouted out of the ground and attacked Cloud's vehicle, no doubt summoned from the other two riders.

Cloud quickly took out a sword from his inventory and slashed at the monsters, making them disappear in a puff of smoke one by one.

Loz pulled up beside him, only a few inches away from his face. "Where's Mother?" he cried. When Cloud didn't respond, he lashed at him with his Duel Hound and just missed by a hair.

Cloud shoved Loz away, affectively spinning out of control in the process. Yazoo shot at him with his Velvet Nightmare handgun while Cloud blocked the bullets with his desired sword. "We know you hid her, Brother," said Yazoo, proceeding to shoot and miss.

Cloud was so distracted that he didn't see one of the shadow monsters come for him. He swerved out of the way, but wasn't in much of a better situation as Loz and Yazoo were continuing to circle him threateningly.

_Almost there,_ thought Cloud as he sped up. Just then, he spotted a strange red thing poking out of the ground in front of him. Cloud tried his best to steer himself away, but evidently came too close as the ground began to shake below him.

"What the…?" Cloud stopped his vehicle suddenly, making the other two almost crash behind him. Ruby Weapon sprouted from the ground, its red claws waving frantically in the air and its menacing eyes glaring at the group.

"…Nice going, Brother," sighed Yazoo. Cloud scratched his head and managed a weak laugh. Loz just started crying.

_At Healen Lodge…._

Cloud slowly walked up the steps and entered Healen Lodge, his sword ready for the greeting he was going to receive.

Reno quickly stepped forward and clashed his nightstick against Cloud's sword, stepped back, and lunged at him again. "Aaaarrggh!"

Cloud merely stepped to the side, making Reno miss and run out the door instead. "Hey!" cried Reno, but Cloud swiftly shut the door, preventing him from coming back inside. "Okay, so you're good," admitted Reno, but Cloud just locked the door nonetheless.

A different door suddenly opened, and Rude stepped out wearing his usual shades and black gloves. "Yeah Rude, lookin' sharp!" cheered Reno, as if he could just see Rude's stance through the door.

Rude flashed out his own weapon, but froze as Cloud unleashed his sword again and pointed the end of the blade at Rude's chin. Rude frowned but kept his distance, knowing he was no match for the warrior.

"Good, you fight like the SOLDIER you once claimed to be," said a familiar voice.

Cloud turned towards the side door and saw a man in a wheel chair come forward. He had a long, white cloth draped over his face, chest, arms, and…everything, really. But even the cloth couldn't hide his right hand, which had visible marks of Geostigma. "You haven't lost your touch," said the man.

Suddenly, it all came back to Cloud as he remembered the explosion at the top floor of the Shinra Building. Everyone had said the President was dead, but did anyone go up to check? "Rufus Shinra?" said Cloud. He nodded towards Rude. "Do I feel sorry for you."

Rude looked away awkwardly and cleared his throat. "The day of the explosion…" started Rufus.

"What do you want from me?" interrupted Cloud, uninterested in the President's little sob story. Knowing him from two years ago, that guy could talk about himself for hours on end.

"I managed to get out—"

"Who were the guys that attacked me?"

"…before it could—"

"I'm leaving!" stated Cloud, not getting the responses he was looking for.

Rufus paused for a moment, and then bent his head down. "We need your assistance, Cloud," he said.

"Not interested—"

"I acknowledge that Shinra…owes the Planet a lot," said Rufus. Now it was his turn to interrupt. "It goes without saying that my company and I are the ones who put the world in the sorry state it's in. Therefore, it's our responsibility to set things right. As a first step, we have commenced an investigation in Sephiroth's wake. What do you think we found?"

When he didn't receive a response, he answered the question himself. "Nothing. Nothing at all. You can relax. However, not all went as planned. We were interrupted, by the same three who attacked you, Kadaj and his gang. It seems he doesn't want us finishing what we started. Really, what could they be thinking?"

Still, he wasn't getting a response. "Hello?" he asked sarcastically. When still no one said anything, he peaked out from under his cloth…and found Cloud lying on the floor, sound asleep.

"Wha…?" Rufus turned, startled, and found Rude asleep standing up, his snores making the entire room shake. Growling, the President wheeled over to the front door and opened it; only to have Reno collapse on top of his favorite leather shoes, sound asleep as well.

"Does my talking make everyone fall asleep?" screamed the President.

Reno hugged Rufus' leg closer to his face. "I love you…" he murmured in his sleep.

* * *

><p>"Hey guys and girls, whaz shakin'?" proclaimed Reno, stepping into the room. Rude silently entered behind him as well.<p>

"Watching all of the most embarrassing moments from the battle we fought two years ago," said Marlene casually.

"Ooh! Am I in it?" cried Reno.

Everyone glanced at each other, and began to snicker simultaneously. "Wha…I am in it, aren't I?" said Reno. "What'd I say?"

"Oh…nothing!" sang Cait Sith. This caused the group to break into an even longer fit of giggles.

* * *

><p><em>Still at the Healen Lodge, Except It's a Few Hours Later and Cloud Already Left….<em>

Rude and Reno collapsed on the floor, clutching their sides as they struggled to take in deep, even breathes. "Boy, do I hate lying," said Kadaj, slowly approaching Rufus Shinra.

"I apologize, this time you'll get the truth," said Rufus. "The object you seek fell from the helicopter while we were running from you. I'm afraid we were careless."

"Is that right?" hissed Kadaj, not believing it for a moment.

"I swear it," said Rufus in the most serious tone he could make.

Kadaj smiled sweetly. "Fine, then swear on these," he said simply. He reached into his back pocket and pulled out two cards, scattering them across the floor.

Rufus examined them. "Ooh, $20 iTunes and Nails&Spa gift cards," he cooed.

"Huh? Gaahh!" Kadaj quickly scooped the gift cards off of the ground and fumbled to put them back in his purse, embarrassment on his face. "Damn it, where did I put that…Ah!" he found what he was looking for and laid Tseng and Elena's blood-stained identification cards out on the floor.

But by then it was just too funny. "Let me guess; you accidentally got lipstick on them," guessed Rufus, a wide grin on his face. Reno and Rude chuckled from their places on the floor.

Kadaj blushed even redder than before. "N-No! It's blood! You should be terrified!" That just made the Shinra operatives hoot with laughter even more.

_At a Church in the Slums…._

Marlene hummed an imaginary tune as she stroked and tended to the flowers in Aerith's old flower garden. Even with her gone, the flowers grew and glowed brighter than ever.

Tifa smiled at her, but was stopped short as the doors of the church flew open in an unkind manner.

Marlene, expecting it to be Cloud, jumped up from her spot and ran towards their visitor, but Tifa grabbed her by the shoulders and made her stop where she was. They did not know this man.

Loz slowly approached them, his leather outfit squeaking slightly as he made his way towards them. Tifa and Marlene took a few cautious steps back as he reached out a hand. "You wanna play?" he asked slyly, his eyebrows rose.

Tifa glared at him and held onto Marlene tighter. When they refused to answer, Loz took a few more steps forward. "Humph. I guess that's a no," he said. He stopped in front of the flower patch. "Where's Mother?" he asked, hoping she was here. Suddenly, the sweet smell of flowers hit his nose with such force that he groaned. "Ugh, gross!" he whined. Now annoyed, he increased his tone. "Hey, where's Mother…?"

"There's no one here!" shouted Tifa, hoping this ugly man would leave. With his silver hair and snake-like eyes, he almost reminded her of Sephiroth, which definitely wasn't a good sign.

Loz smiled. "Fine, play with me!" he demanded, outstretching his arms again. Tifa gently but forcefully pushed Marlene behind a pillar for safety and stood alone against the man. Not taking her eyes off of him once, she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a pair of leather gloves, which she slipped onto her hands with ease.

Loz frowned at her, but shrugged it off as he reached into his own back pocket and took out a box containing the board game, _Scrabble_. He tossed it onto the ground before them and continued to look at her menacingly. "Your turn first," he grunted.

Tifa stared at the box in deep confusion. "Ummm..."

* * *

><p>"When am I gonna be in this?" whined Barret, stomping his foot.<p>

"Shut up," hissed Marlene.

* * *

><p><em>Still at the Church in the Slums, Except It's a Few Minutes Later….<em>

Cloud walked into the church, his eyes set straight ahead in a determined expression and his head cast down towards the ground. He stopped in front of Aerith's garden to prevent stepping on the flowers, but gasped as he saw a figure in black lying in the middle of the patch.

He ran forward and scooped the unconscious Tifa into his arms. "Tifa!" he cried, trying to wake her up. "Tifa!"

Tifa stirred in her sleep. "…You're late," she finally mumbled.

"Who did this to you?" Cloud asked, his voice hoarse. He thought he had lost her.

Tifa shook her head slightly. "He didn't say," she murmured. She was just about to fall back asleep when she realized something. "Marlene!" she cried, bolting upright. She held her head from lack of energy and fell back asleep in his arms.

Cloud looked at her, horrified. "…Marlene did this to you?" he exclaimed, his eyes wild.

Tifa's eyes burst open and she stared at him. "No you twit, he took Marlene!" she grumbled, and closed her eyes again.

Cloud nodded, but he still had his suspicions about that 4'3'' little girl.

_At the Forgotten City…._

Kadaj stood on the shores of the pond in the Forgotten City, in front of an audience of probably hundreds of children. Each of them were infected with the stigma, and each of them was there searching for the cure.

"Mother has given me a very special gift!" cried Kadaj, bringing his arms up towards the sky. "The power to fight against a Planet that torments humanity!"

Marlene gasped under Loz's strong grip. Yazoo stood a few feet away, his luscious locks billowing in the breeze.

"She gave this gift to all her children," said Kadaj, his eyes scanning the audience. "That's right; you and I are brethren, brothers and sisters chosen when we inherited Mother's mimetic legacy through the Lifestream! But…the Planet doesn't approve of that at all. It's doing everything it can to hold us back. That's why it's racking our bodies with pain, and filling our hearts with doubt!"

As he said the word "doubt" and pointed his finger at the audience, Denzel flinched.

Kadaj smiled. "Now, I shall heal you, and we will go to Mother together!" he said. A ghostly white aura began to form around his body as he became heated by his own speech. "We will join as a family, and strike back at the Planet!" he screamed.

The white fog passed from his body into the air, and clouded around all the children in the audience. It seemed as if the man now had the children under his control. "Do as I do," said Kadaj.

He slowly (and quite femininely) sauntered into the pond below. The water only came up to his waist as he waded out into the center. As soon as he stepped in, however, the water's color changed from a tranquil blue to a dark, murky black.

Loz jumped back, appalled. "Aw, nice going, Kadaj!" he whined, stepping far away from the water's edge.

Kadaj put his hands up in defense. "Wha…? No! It's not what you think!" he shouted. But the more he moved around, the blacker the water became.

All of the children snapped out of their trances and jumped away from the edge, too. Some of them even cried. Yazoo shook his head. "Now look, you made our minions cry!" he complained, rolling his eyes.

"B-But it's supposed to be a limit break, I swear…" Kadaj began to explain.

As if on cue, two men in uniform came over and put Kadaj in handcuffs. "That's for destroying Ancient property, mister," one of them said. "Next time, go before you leave!" With that, Kadaj was dragged off to the Midgar Police Station for the Unlawful and Unjustified.

* * *

><p>"Hello, arch enemies and enemiettes!" exclaimed Kadaj as he sauntered into the room. "Whatcha…oh Jenova! Not this again!" His expression changed to pure horror as he realized what they were watching. He sank to the floor, holding his head in his hands as he rocked slowly back and forth.<p>

Loz and Yazoo came in also and nearly tripped on their brother's body, while Cloud just continued to stare at the three men in black leather suits. "Wait, aren't you guys supposed to be dead?" he cried in confusion.

Yazoo sighed in exasperation. "C'mon, that's so old! Nobody dies for real anymore!" he said.

The rest of the group nodded at the spiky-haired warrior. "That was so last year," agreed Red XIII.

* * *

><p><em>Still at the Forgotten City A Few Minutes Later….<em>

Cloud gasped and glanced behind him. He was riding through the Sleeping Forest, but he had sworn that he had seen Aerith standing right behind him…

But no time to think. As soon as he turned his attention back to the path in front of him, bullets came flying at him from up ahead. Kadaj stood in between his two brothers as they shot at him, an evil smile on his face.

As Cloud deflected all the bullets with his sword, Kadaj took out his double-bladed katana and walked forward, that crazy grin still plastered to his face. He raised one of his hands and waved something down from above.

The rather humorous part though, is that you'd think that it was supposed to have some sort of effect. Except nothing happened.

Cloud hit the brakes on his motorcycle and looked around, as alert as a rabbit. Kadaj frowned and beckoned to someone/something from up above once more.

And, puzzling enough, still nothing happened.

Now at this point, Kadaj had returned from the Police Station and was now under the watchful eyes of some of the law enforcement troopers. His mentality was not lookin' very clean right now.

The group could hear whispers from up in the trees:

"Wait; was that our signal to go?"

"Of course it was, dummy!"

"Aw, butternut!"

"Quick; someone needs to go down and check!"

"Hey, hold on—AAAAHHHH!"

CRASH!

Unfortunately for Kadaj, the only kid that did come down landed on his head, which brought his army of advent children down by one.

* * *

><p>Barret scrunched up his nose. "…Who says 'butternut'?" he said.<p>

He received multiple glares of annoyance, which was his cue to shut up.

* * *

><p><em>In a Safer Part of the Sleeping Forest….<em>

Cloud ran his hand over his bruises and scrapes. "See? I knew I'd be no help," he said to himself. If Tifa were here, he would have said that to her. He lifted his head towards his rescuer and old friend.

"Vincent!" he exclaimed. "What do you know about this?" Perhaps his friend knew more about this gang than he did.

Vincent stood leaning against a tree, his eyes downcast. "I come here often," he growled in his deep, scary voice. He swished his cape out to the side with flourish.

Cloud pouted his lower lip. "Aw, is that because you don't have any friends?" he joked.

Vincent went silent for a while. He sniffed. "That's just cold," he muttered.

* * *

><p>"And for your information," stated Vincent, giving Cloud the evil eye. He reached into his cloak and pulled out a tablet, bringing up a webpage full of stats. "I made 'Honorable Mention' in IGN's Top Ten Best Characters of Final Fantasy VII, and I have a fan base of over 80,000 women, so don't go around telling me I don't have any friends!"<p>

Now it was Cloud's turn to sulk.

* * *

><p><em>In the Center of MidgarEdge…._

Bahamut slowly ascended up into the sky, past the skyscrapers looming overhead. Cloud frowned, but found the strength to jump upwards.

Barret stood waiting for him on a higher ledge. He extended his hand, and pulled Cloud higher. "Allyooo!" he shouted.

Cloud flew upwards and hit the monster in the head with his sword, but his exoskeleton was far too strong, and he was pushed downwards.

Cid, who stood a few feet down, placed out his spear in a sort of plank and used it to give Cloud an extra boost upwards. "Giddyup!" he growled.

From up ahead, Bahamut soared even higher. From out of nowhere, Red XIII (with Cait Sith riding along as passenger) jumped out and grabbed Cloud by the collar, throwing him higher. "There ya go!" shouted Cait Sith.

Yuffie also somersaulted out of the blue and put her hands under Cloud's foot. "Ugh!" she grunted. Using all her strength, she lifted him up over her head, towards the monster.

Cloud became even more determined as he saw the Summon get ready to do its ultimate limit break. He even pressed his two swords together, to create an all-powerful mega-weapon of some kind.

Vincent stood crouching on the side of one of the buildings so well; you could hardly even tell he was there. He too, jumped forward and gave Cloud a hand upwards. "Fly!" he cried.

As his final helper, Tifa jumped out from her own perch and extended a hand, but not before gazing deep into his cerulean eyes. "Remember to watch out for that falling billboard!" she cried before pulling him up.

Cloud didn't quite catch what she was saying. "Falling what…?"

WHAM!

Cloud smashed his face into a falling LOVELESS billboard that was falling at about 80 miles an hour.

All of his friends down below winced. "Oooh!" they all said in unison.

* * *

><p>"That's it?" Barret cried. "That's my big appearance?" He slumped down on the floor and wiped his nose with his gun-arm. "'Fabulous entrance' my butt…"<p>

* * *

><p><em>At a Church in the Slums….<em>

Kadaj pulled the breaks on his motorcycle and skidded to a halt right on top of the flower bed inside the church. "Mother!" he cried with joy, taking out the small container from his back pocket. He smiled down at the metal covered in caution tape. He would have kept smiling, however, if he hadn't noticed the large cut down the side that no doubt destroyed the contents on the inside.

He felt an unbelievable ache in his chest. "M-Mother…" he whispered, tears swelling up in his eyes. His emotions suddenly burst out of him like a young child as he cradled the box close to him. "Mother—Huh?"

Red liquid slowly began pouring out of the cut. He ran his fingers through the substance. It couldn't be blood; his Mom's blood was green. So what was it…?  
>He brought his finger to his lips and tasted it. Horrified, he shook the box so hard that the real contents came out, revealing a destroyed Kool-Aid pouch.<p>

He threw back his head and screamed. "Curse you, RUFUS SHINRA!"

_In that Building-y Area in Midgar…._

Cloud jumped after Kadaj as he leapt off the building backwards, Jenova's head hidden in his grasp. With one swift movement, the remnant pressed the head to his chest, the dark powers pouring out and causing him great heartburn. "Arrggh…" Kadaj groaned.

He managed to land on his feet with surprising lightness, but Cloud pounded down on him with his sword. Luckily for the puppet, the Reunion had already begun, hence Kadaj's body transformed into someone that was all too familiar to Cloud.

The newly-transformed Sephiroth brought his hands up and blocked Cloud's attack. From the palms of his hands sprouted his signature katana, flourishing with a green glow.

Cloud gasped in horror and met his arch enemy in the eye. "It's good to see you, Cloud," said Sephiroth with a smirk. He hit Cloud high up into the air like a baseball, and flew up to meet him where he had landed.

"Your Geostigma is gone?" he said, observing Cloud's bare, muscular arm. Cloud returned his observation with a glare of hatred. "That's too bad," said Sephiroth.

"Sephiroth, what do you want?" demanded Cloud. It's not like his nemesis was going to pop up out of nowhere just for kicks.

"The last thoughts of Geostigma's dead," said Sephiroth. "Those remnants will join the Lifestream and girdle the planet…did I say something humorous?"

Cloud's face was bright red, and his shoulders seemed to shudder under his armor. "D-Did you just say _girdle_?" he managed to choke, holding his breath.

Sephiroth scrunched together his eyebrows. "Yes…"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"H-Hey, it's not funny!" stammered Sephiroth. "It just so happens that a lot of people say 'girdle' nowadays!"

Cloud wiped a tear from his eyes and put one hand to his abdomen. "Yeah, like who?" he said.

Sephiroth was unable to answer that abrupt question.

* * *

><p>Cloud, at remembering this part again, giggled once more, along with some of the other younger members of their tiny audience. Barret, Cid, Vincent, and even Cait Sith put their hands to their stomachs, where they felt the itchy, lacy fabric against their skin.<p>

* * *

><p><em>At that Same Building-y Area….<em>

In the midst of their battle, Sephiroth jumped up high into the air while Cloud followed him. "I've thought of a wonderful present for you," teased Sephiroth. He cut his sword through a part of the building behind them, sending it crashing downwards towards Cloud.

Cloud swiftly deflected the attempt and continued to follow Sephiroth's ascent.

After dealing a few more blows, Sephiroth smiled. "Shall I give you dis pear?" He held out the odd-shaped fruit to his opponent.

Cloud paused in confusion, then smiled and reached out to taste the fruit, giving Sephiroth the perfect opportunity to blast him halfway across Midgar.

"Suckah…" he cheered to himself, taking a bite out of the delicacy in his grasp.

_At the Same Ol' Church in the Slums…._

Cloud slowly opened his eyes to the empty white space around him, and glanced at the pairs of hands gently pressing onto his chest.

His surroundings slowly changed as he stood up straight. He was standing in the middle of the Lifestream's pool that had formed over Aerith's flower garden in the church. The hands that had been holding him up in the water belonged to some of the children from the town.

Cloud glanced at each of them quizzingly, as if one of them could tell them how he ended up here.

"It's like she said: wait here and Cloud will come back," said one little girl. Cloud's eyes opened wide with amazement, but stopped short when he realized who "she" was. She worked in mysterious ways.

"Welcome back!"

Cloud whirled around and saw the whole gang standing there before him: Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, Cait Sith, Barret, Red XIII, Marlene, Denzel, and Tifa.

Cloud nodded his head, which was sort of a smile for him. "I'm back," he said.

"There are still children with the stigma," said Red XIII, nodding his head towards Denzel. Denzel stood behind Tifa, being shy.

"Yeah," said Cloud, smiling slightly. He waded through the water until he stood in front of the boy, who had his head bent down low.

Tifa smiled warmly at Denzel. "Okay, let's get you fixed up," she whispered to him.

Cloud reached out his hand to the boy. "C'mon, I'm here," he encouraged him.

Denzel tentatively stepped forward. "It's okay," Tifa said, bringing him forward.

Cloud lifted the light, little boy into the water before him. Once Denzel was situated, Cloud scooped up two handfuls of water and held them over Denzel's head, finally dropping the cool liquid onto his hair.

Denzel jumped up in surprise at the cold water, but observed the magical effect as his marks quickly disappeared right before his eyes. "Hehe!" he giggled.

Taking that as a good sign, the whole town (they were all there) began to cheer. Suddenly, all the children began jumping into the Lifestream pool, creating big splashes and even more laughter.

"Last one in is a rotten egg!" shouted Cid.

"It's working!" cried Yuffie.

All around Cloud children cheered and laughed and played; the whole crowd was fired up with happiness and excitement. But the one thing that caught his attention the most was Tifa's smile. She almost seemed to light up his entire world with her big, brown eyes.

And he would have continued staring into her big, brown eyes, if something in the far off end of the room hadn't caught his attention. Cloud was almost positive that it wasn't his imagination, because he was sure that Aerith was playing with two children on the floor.

He stopped smiling; his heart froze, and it was as if the whole world had come to a complete stop. Suddenly, she stood up and began walking out the door towards the light, with Zack standing there waiting for her.

But before she left, she turned to face him and smiled. "You see? Everything's alright," she whispered to him. As if in slow motion, she slowly turned back around towards the exit and began walking again, except the loose floorboards had other plans. Again, as if in slow-mo, she tripped, flew forward, and fell face-first into the ground.

All the children surrounding Cloud stopped their playing and laughing and continued to stare at him strangely as he laughed maniacally at something near the door.

* * *

><p>Aerith waltzed in and noticed that everyone had just finished watching something. "Aw, did I miss the first premier of <em>Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children<em>?" she asked.

Marlene's eyes brightened and she shook her head. "Nope, it'll be showing in theatres all across Japan and America," she stated proudly.

Cloud's eyes nearly bulged out of his head twice. "A-Aerith?" he almost screamed. "You're alive?"

Aerith waved her hand through the air as if swatting a fly away. "Pfft, I'm an Ancient! You think I'd die that easily?" She gave Kadaj and his brothers each a high-five.

Cloud stood motionless for a moment, and then shook his head. "I'm outta here," he said. He put on his goggles and jingled his motorcycle keys as he walked out the door.

"Oh! And don't forget to buy the Extended Blue-Ray Edition when it comes out!" called Marlene as he left.

* * *

><p><strong>For everyone who doesn't know what a girdle is, says: "a lightweight undergarment, worn especially by women, often partly or entirely of elastic or boned, for supporting and giving a slimmer appearance to the abdomen, hips, and buttocks."<strong>

**...what, you didn't know Barret, Cid, and Reeve wore girdles?**

**Tell me what you think of the new format I used! I'd love to hear your thoughts!**


	4. Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII

**Back to the way I normally do things…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DoC, Square Enix, blah-blah-blah, you're probably as sick of reading this as I am of typing it :(**

* * *

><p><span>Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII<span>

_Three Years Ago at Midgar…._

It was a dark and stormy night. Some emergency troops had been able to get everyone out of the Shinra Building and the cannon, all with the help of Cloud and the gang.

A small aircraft that was serving as an ambulance flew down and landed nearby. "Come on! Hurry up! And try not to drop anybody this time!" Yuffie Kisaragi shouted over the noise and commotion. Around her, men in uniform struggled to get people in stretchers up into the aircrafts unharmed.

She ran up to one of the officers in charge. "Report!" she commanded.

"Evac complete. All injured have been moved to the transporters," he said, giving her a solute.

"Okay! Let's get out of here!" she shouted, waving her arms up and down. She gave the officer a pat on the shoulder. "Just remember to keep on guard until you're clear of the red zone," she said.

Once the officer left, she lifted her goggles away from her face and took out her walkie-talkie. "We're all done here. How about you?" she said into the receiver.

Vincent Valentine stood at the bottom of the Shinra Building, his cape flapping in the harsh wind as he talked into his own walkie-talkie. "Finished," he said to Yuffie on the other end. "But Yuffie, I want you to check the Mako cannon."

Yuffie was confused, but that feeling soon went away as she realized that there was something horribly wrong with what he just asked her to do. She put her free hand on her hip. "What's the magic word?" she said, rolling her eyes.

"Huh?" Vincent shook his walkie-talkie a few times, just to make sure he was hearing right. "Yuffie, I said to check the cannon! There still could be people—"

"Eh-hem!" Yuffie cleared her throat loudly. She began tapping her foot. "Has six letters, rhymes with "cheese"…"

Vincent sighed and glanced around to see if anyone was watching him bend to the words of a sixteen-year old girl. "…Please," he muttered, loudly enough so that only Yuffie could hear.

Yuffie gave a little hop of joy. "I would be happy to!" she chirped. She reached into her pocket, found her image-transmitting device, and was just about to check for signs of life in the Mako Cannon when the entire thing exploded in a pit of fire and burning metal.

"Hehe…oops," whispered Yuffie. Vincent just shook his head.

_While Riding in a Truck in the Middle of the Wastelands…._

"Commissioner!" said a WRO member through the loudspeakers. "A rogue transmission is being broadcast on all wavelengths!"

The Commissioner, Reeve, stopped his conversation with Vincent and ran over to the small TV screen at the front of the vehicle. Just as he sat down, the screen suddenly turned on to reveal a shirtless, muscular man with insane silver hair.

"At last," said the mysterious man. "The time has come to cleanse this world. The pure will be 'spared' for the cause. While the tainted will be hunted down and exterminated. They shall be slashed, strangled, and slaughtered. Beaten, stabbed, and crushed. Garroted and impaled. Shot and executed. Burned and hanged. Flayed and tortured. Starved and frozen. Spammed and pranked. Bathed and dressed. Opened and closed. Baptized and…"

"S-Sir? Sir, now you're just listing verbs," said someone else in the video.

"Hmm? Oh, oh right! I digress…"

By this point, Vincent and Reeve had continued on with their conversation. There was no way this guy was a part of the Tviets, right?

_Somewhere in Edge…._

Rosso the Crimson laughed maniacally from her perch in some hidden warehouse (yes, another warehouse) as she gazed up at the raining sky shone from a gap in the ceiling. Around her, thousands of WRO solder bodies littered the ground.

To celebrate her victory and in anticipation of Vincent's arrival, Rosso decided to recite Weiss's monologue.

"Slashed, strangled, and slaughtered," she chuckled. "Beaten, stabbed, and impaled. Shot and…wait, that's not right…"

She scratched her head and seriously pondered this, mumbling to herself as she tried to remember the order. "Is it stabbed and impaled, or stabbed and crushed…?"

_On the Other Side of Edge…._

Vincent hid himself from view behind a building and peeked out at his surroundings. It was so quiet; the only sound that could be heard was the raindrops hitting the pavement. Suddenly, he heard a different sound; the sound of clicking heals…

Vincent spun around and pointed his gun out at whoever had snuck up on him, only to have a rifle pointed in his own face. His sneaker-upper was a woman with red-orange hair that was tied up in a pony-tail and glasses. She only had one eye, and even through the lab coat she was wearing Vincent could tell she only had one real arm; the other one was metal. He also noticed her WRO identity card.

"You're WRO?" he asked.

"Who's asking?" she replied, her voice clipped, abrupt, and to-the-point.

Vincent sighed and placed his gun back in its holster. "Vincent Valentine. Reeve sent me," he said.

The woman placed her gun back in its place with flourish. "My apologies," she said, introducing herself. "Shalua Rui, of the WRO." She folded her arms across her chest and walked around a little. "The Commissioner has told me much about you," she said casually, as if trying to start small-talk.

Vincent knew this was no time for casual conversation. He was just about to plow on with what he came here to do, but stopped as he realized what she just said. "Reeve has…told you about me?" he asked suspiciously. He scooted forward, acting nonchalant. "W-What did he say, exactly?"

Shalua shrugged her shoulders. "Just that you could handle a gun and that you had experience on the battle field. Oh, and he also said you were tall, mysterious, young, fit, cute..." She was listing all of the characteristics off of her fingers.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Reeve Tuesti said...THAT?" Vincent said, horror plastered on his face. When Shalua nodded, Vincent hugged his shoulders and hunched over slightly. "Waaaay too much information..." he whispered.

Shalua cocked her head to the side. "You're scarred, aren't you?"

Vincent nodded slowly.

_At WRO Headquarters…._

"I've been searching for you for so long!" continued Shalua. She ran forward to embrace her, but Shelke took out one of her electric sabers and pointed it at her, stopping Shalua in her tracks. "Don't take another step," she said, her blue eyes glowing gold.

"Shelke?" said Shalua, hurt in her eye.

"It doesn't matter who I am or who you are," replied Shelke. "My current mission as a Deepground soldier is all that is relevant." She took out her other saber and put herself in position to fight.

Shalua shook her head, suddenly getting emotional. "No! It does matter!" she cried. "Even though ten years have passed, you're still Shelke, my only sister!"

A wide grin spread across her face. "That is where you are wrong, for I am not your sister; I am actually…"

She turned off her sabers and pulled at something that looked like a zipper in the back of her neck. Suddenly, her hair, clothes, even her entire body dropped to the floor like a suit to reveal Azul standing in her place.

"Bwahahaha!" he laughed. "It is I, Azul the Cerulean!"

"Holy Omega!" Shalua jumped up and took out her pistol again, pointing it at the giant, blue hulk. "Vincent, do something!" she shouted after realizing that Vincent was just standing there.

This time Vincent smiled. "But I am not Vincent," he said in a voice all too familiar but not his own. He pulled at his own zipper in the back and slowly peeled downwards to reveal Shelke standing there instead. "Surprise," she said sweetly.

Shalua sank down to the floor and held her head in her hands. "Oh, this is so weird…" she moaned.

"Hello, hello!" sand Rosso, walking into the room. She took out her own weapon and pointed it at Shalua. "Are you ready to die?" she asked in her dangerous Romanian accent.

"Uh-huh, yeah, sure," said Shalua, getting up and dusting herself off. "Now, if you'll all excuse me, this is getting a little weird for me." And with that, she strode out of the room.

Rosso and the others stood quietly for a moment. Finally, Azul spoke up. "…Was it something we said?" he asked.

_In the Main Hall of Shinra Manor…._

Vincent finished off the Black Widow machine and stood in the center of the main hall, in his usual enigmatic pose. The spider-like menace soon blew up in a fiery ball of…fire, and Vincent couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment, even though he could care less.

Suddenly out of nowhere, Rosso ran up and plunged her hand deep into his chest, grabbing for the Protomateria. Vincent gasped at the contact, her cold hand moving around inside him.

Rosso chuckled as she felt something round-ish in the palm of her hand, and quickly tore herself away. She examined the squishy, red, organ that was still pumping blood and gasped, shoving it back inside. "Ick, that's not it!" she spat, searching around for it once more.

She felt something else in her grasp and pulled it out, but reeled back in disgust once more at realizing that this pink, kidney-shaped (ohhhhhhhh…) squishy thing wasn't the Protomateria either.

"It's got to…be in here…somewhere…" she muttered, filing around inside him.

"Rosso...I can't...breathe..." Vincent gasped, his face bright purple.

"Hold on!" Rosso snapped impatiently.

_At WRO Headquarters…._

Vincent ran through the sliding doors obediently, but Shelke was resisting her sister's grip. "Let go of me!" she complained, trying to pull away.

"I don't think so," said Shalua. Shelke's eyes widened as she realized that she had no control against her. "We have ten years to catch up on," explained Shalua. "I'm not going to let this end here—"

Suddenly, the doors began to close. "Shalua!" Vincent shouted.

Shalua gasped, and stuck her prosthetic arm—her life support—in to hold the door open. But they all knew that it wouldn't be able to hold the doors for long. Vincent struggled to open the door with his bare hands, but Shalua's metal arm continued to sizzle and spark as it began to break.

Shalua gasped under the pain. "Why are you doing this?" said Shelke, confused at her sister's heroic deed.

Shalua didn't answer right away. "You can still get through," she rasped finally. "Go on!" When Shelke continued to stare at her, she shoved her sister through the small space.

"Shelke," said Shalua, calling for her sister's attention. Her tone suddenly became kinder and more sincere as she spoke. "I'm sorry I wasn't a better sister," she said sadly.

The copper bands that held the outside layer of sheet metal on her fake arm popped off, and so did the outer layer, revealing a system of wires and levers underneath.

"I'm sorry I let you suffer so long. Vincent, take care of her, will you?" she said, knowing that this was the end for her.

Vincent gasped as he continued to struggle with the door. "Wait!" he groaned, not wanting her to die. She couldn't die.

"Shelke," Shalua said, her voice barely above a whisper. Her prosthetic was crushing in on itself under the door's weight. "I'm glad I was able to find you. And remember: I'll always…"

All of the sudden, the door flew open and Shalua practically fell through. She and Shelke stared at Vincent as he took his hand off of _another_ green button.

Shalua gave off a shaky laugh. "Hehe, I forgot they installed that," she chuckled.

Vincent rolled his eyes at her dramatic display, and grabbed them both. "Let's go!" he shouted, transforming into his cloak-form and flying away with them down the safe hallway.

Isn't that a nice ending?

_In a Science-y Room Place in WRO Headquarters…._

Shalua lay in a glass tube filled with air, her eyes not opening. Vincent entered the room and walked over to Yuffie, who was sitting on the computer desk in the corner, her eyes cast downwards.

Yuffie didn't look at Vincent. "They…they say she won't wake up," she said sadly. "She suffered too much trauma to her head. Unless there's some kind of a miracle she's…she's not…" She trailed off.

Suddenly Yuffie's emotions got the best of her. She slammed her fist down. "Argh! Vincent! You were there, why couldn't you save her?"

Vincent turned his eyes away to hide the hurt look on his face. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Yuffie stopped her heavy breathing, and sighed. "No…I didn't mean to…"

Shelke entered the room. "She was a fool," she said, her eyes showing no emotional pain.

Yuffie gasped, ran up, and slapped Shelke across the face hard. "You have no right to call her that!" she screamed. "You don't know…you don't know what…" Vincent pulled her away gently.

"Why?" said Shelke. "Why would she do something so…?" Before she could finish her sentence, Yuffie stormed out of the room.

Vincent looked down at Shelke. "Before, when I asked Shalua what she was searching for, she answered her 'reason to live'," he said. "It was you Shelke. You were her reason to live."

"So?" said Shelke, still not getting it. "I don't understand how someone could give their own life for that of another. Do you understand, Vincent Valentine?"

"I can't answer for your sister," he said, turning his back to her. "But…"

"But?" prodded Shelke.

Reeve walked into the room, whistling cheerfully, but held his breathe when he saw that Vincent was in the middle of what appeared to be an important conversation.

"When a person has someone they care about that much…" said Vincent.

Reeve, who was completely out of context, stopped whistling so suddenly that Vincent and Shelke both turned to look at him.

He cleared his throat. "I…umm…I came in here for something…ehh…wow, this is awkward…" He scratched his head. "I'll just…leave now…"

He walked right into another desk, knocking over a jar filled with important specimen. It crashed to the floor, sending green acidic juice and fish-like creatures everywhere.

"I'll…clean that up later!" rambled Reeve, leaping out the door. Vincent shrugged, and continued on with his explanation.

_At Deepground Headquarters…._

Vincent finished his battle with Rosso and watched as she lay gasping on the ground. "Someone…stronger…" she grunted. She attempted to lift herself up, but her vision was so blurry that it made it hard to see the man in front of her.

"…than…than…ugh…Absurd!" she growled. She raised her head up and glared at Vincent. "Absurd!" she cried again.

Rosso sighed, but then started laughing as a plan suddenly dawned on her. "Our time here together is done," she said to him, regaining her composure. "But the mighty Azul awaits!"

She turned around, stumbling a bit, and ran to the very edge of the building, her silhouette showing against the moon. "I shall not give you the pleasure of killing Rosso the Crimson," she spat, turning to face him. Her hand surged with power the color of red, and she brought her hand down, creating a large gash in the sheet metal floor. "No one will stand above me!"

She created more cuts in the floor around her, sectioning herself off from the rest of the building. "No one! No one! No one!" she screamed.

She stood up straight again to admire her work and laughed. She laughed and laughed and laughed. She laughed her evil, creepy laugh so much that she even snorted a little.

Snorting and laughing, she glanced down at the floor below her again, only to find that she wasn't moving; she was standing on the exact same floor she was one ten minutes ago. And Vincent was still standing there.

She cleared her throat awkwardly and slammed her foot down, hard enough to bring her down. "Mwahahahaha!" she laughed once more as she went down—only to crash down on top of the terrace attached to the story below them.

Vincent peered over the edge. "Umm…you okay?" he called down.

Rosso answered back half-heartedly. "…yeaaaahhhh…" she groaned back, obviously not okay.

_In One of Shelke's Vision-Things..._

Lucrecia Crescent sat at her lab computer, viciously typing up her new thesis.

"Don't you think you're taking things a little too quickly?" said Grimoire Valentine, her assistant.

"And why not?" laughed Lucrecia. "All those people at Shinra laughed at my thesis. I have to prove them wrong!"

"Rushing into matters will get you nowhere, Doctor," reasoned Grim. He chuckled, and looked off towards their new discovery, Chaos, floating in a tank.

Suddenly, the black cloud suddenly changed into a bright purple. Lucrecia stood up and walked towards the tank, a horrified look on her face. A crack began to form in the glass, then another one, and another one.

Grim ran forward and shoved Lucrecia out of the way, blocking the attack with his own body. Black and purple goo and broken glass came spewing out, hitting him right in the arm.

He gasped, clutching his wound and staggering back. Shocked, Lucrecia got up off the floor, unharmed, and ran towards Grim in worry. "Are you alright, Doctor Valentine?" she cried, examining the damage.

Grim groaned at the pain. "...I'll be fine..." he murmured, absolutely not fine. He suddenly collapsed and fell to the floor, with Lucrecia rushing to catch him.

She struggled to sit him back up, but his whole body had gone limp with the poison that had entered his body. "Doctor Valentine!" she cried.

Grim didn't look up. "Tell my son...I'm sorry..." he barely whispered.

Lucrecia shook her head; she couldn't believe this was happening. Then an even worse atrocity hit her. "Wait, Doctor, you have a son?"

Grim didn't answer her. "Tell him..." he moaned, taking his last breath.

"B-But I don't know who he is!" Lucrecia shouted, tears streaming down her face. But before she knew it, the man had died.

She shook his shoulders, desperately trying to get a response. "Where does he live? What does he even look like!" She threw her head back towards the ceiling. "I'm so confused!" she screamed.

_At Mako Reactor 0…._

Weiss chuckled again. "Vincent Valentine, and so we meet again," he said, smiling all creepy-like.

"What?" choked Vincent; sure that he had never met this man before now.

Weiss chuckled, still thinking that this whole situation was obviously hilarious. He put his hand on his hip. "Still in the dark?"

Vincent cocked his head to the side, still puzzled.

"Three years ago while I was still running about looking for Sephiroth, I took it upon myself to distribute my data—my mind, my knowledge, my inner being—across the neural network. And even though my body had died, and the world had been left in ruin, I survived in a virtual reality. When the network was restored, the scattered data regrouped and I was reborn. Hehe, a 'Neo-Reunion', you could say."

Vincent sneered, his heart stopping like ice. He knew exactly who this man was. "You," he growled.

Weiss laughed insanely, only this time his voice was tainted with that of another, older, more nasally one. "That's right boy, it's me; Hojo! Bwahahahahaha!"

A blurry hologram of the man who haunted Vincent's nightmares appeared in the face of Weiss, scaring Vincent out of his pants.

"Oh, oh, Hojo?" Vincent screamed, shielding his eyes. "That is sooo nasty…"

"What, what do you mean?" snapped Hojo's data projection.

Just then, Yuffie walked in. "I think this situation calls for a new hero!" she cried, her hands on her hips. "It is I, Yuffie Kisaragi, the single white rose of Wutai, the—HOLY _%#&_! HOJO?" she screamed, jumping back ten feet.

"Of course! It was me the entire time, didn't you know?" said Hojo/Weiss, putting his hands on his hips.

Yuffie and Vincent both sank to the floor, covering their faces with their hands. "And to think; I was actually checking you out!" groaned Yuffie, clawing her eyes out.

"Yeah, me too!" Vincent cried out. Yuffie and Hojo/Weiss stared at him for the longest time. Vincent took his hands away from his face and gave them each a look. "What, I'm not allowed to be upset about this?" he exclaimed.

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for ending it abruptly, but I absolutely could not think of a single could-be-funnyoverly dramatic/just-begging-for-me-to-make-fun-of moment, so…that's it.**

**Hope you enjoyed the story! Please review, check out my other stories, and be sure to tune in for: Final Fantasy VIII Bloopers! **


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